Heroes

Growing up, I loved Batman. It was that cool mask, deep voice and all those gadgets. Superman, Spiderman, Wonder Woman, the Hulk.... all together they do not add up to the heroes that my brother and my sister-in-law are in my eyes.

These are two regular folks living what seems like a regular life, but, they are super heroes.

Really.

When I was about 14, I remember reading this column by Erma Bombeck and for some reason, I cut it out and saved it over the years. Some of the wording and references are outdated, but the sentiments ring true. Now, today, I remembered it and so I dedicate this to my brother, Michael and my sister-in-law, Trish because they are living exemplary lives and are special parents:

The Special Mother

by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.
This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?
Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."
"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia."
"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."
Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."
The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."
"But has she patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."
"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has her own world. She has to make her live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps - "selfishness? is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'". She will never consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!"
"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side".
"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.
God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."

Fidelity

Why is Tiger Woods apologizing to the public for cheating on his wife? It is absolutely ridiculous that any person other than his wife hear how he feels about what he does within his marriage. While we're on the subject, that goes for every public figure whose life has been dissected and served on a platter by the news vultures.

All these hypocrites blathering on for centuries about the sanctity of marriage, blah, blah, blah and in the same breath judging the actions of married folks. Whatever goes on between a husband and wife is strictly the business of that couple. Unless there is rape, torture or other forms of abuse going on, no one else has the right to comment. Not even their children, in my opinion.

This whole country went ballistic over former President Clinton's affair with his intern. The country was not at war, the information super highway was nicely underway, unemployment was at an all-time low, our finances were at an all-time, high.

Seriously, when two people go into a marriage, only the two of them decide where the boundaries are within every aspect of their marriage. No one else. If one of them breaks the rules that they have set up, that is also between them. No one else.

I don't care about Tiger Woods' marriage and I don't see why anyone other than his family should care. Perhaps 24 hrs News is just too much programming for the Media to handle and we need to find more newsworthy topics to cover or cut the hours of programming.

Neither Tiger Woods, nor John Edwards, no Bill Clinton nor any of these folks need to apologize to the public. That whole whine about, "Well-they-are-public-figures-and-I-trusted-them" is such a blathering, idiotic statement. Folks, they are public figures with private lives. Unless they are raping, torturing or other forms of abusing, stealing, killing or giving favors to these lovers that directly effect the public, this is no one's business but the people involved.

Hello, Mrs Robinson

Iris Robinson, the 60 year old former member of Parliament was forced to resign following her exposed affair with a 19 year old. All this hulabaloo about May-December romances when the woman is the older party reminds me of a Sophie Tucker joke:

"I bumped into my old beau, Ernie yesterday and he says to me, 'Soph' ('cause he always calls me Soph) He says to me, 'Soph, I'm now 80 years old and I found me a 20 year old lover. What do ya think of that?!!'"

"I says to him,'Ernie, I, too am 80 years and just as you, I've found me a 20 year old love. But let me tell you something, Ernie. Twenty goes into eighty a helluva lot easier than eighty goes into twenty!!!'"

That's all I'm saying.

Taboo Talk Exposed

A friend and I were recently discussing the loss of her son, Michael. Her baby died a few weeks before his due date. Technically a miscarriage in the 8th month. Her grief is something she still struggles with every day, even years after the event. What struck me most is her observation of how the majority of people around her deemed her abnormal/strange/crazy for wanting to talk about her loss. Talking about her loss made people uncomfortable. As if losing a pregnancy is not 'polite' social conversation.

I'm writing about this because my friend is not the only person to share this observation with me. Too many of my friends have struggled with the loss of their pregnancies, the loss of their babies and the ensuing societal ostracizing if they grieve out-loud. The common feeling was a sense of isolation, the feeling of guilt when they tried to express their grief to husbands, lovers, friends.

Another friend gave birth to a premature baby boy who only lived a few days. Friends and family commented to me that she was strange for carrying a photo of her dead child and wanting to talk about her experience, her feelings about her son's death. How is that strange, I wondered? So many years ago, I didn't know that mourning with my friend was preparing me to mourn for my own losses.

I know many who still struggle with their grief having lost their babies. The grief is especially hard because our society expects this grief to be private.

I'm raising this topic now as I struggle through my last miscarriage. This loss has me knocked down onto my knees, screaming. I don't care who finds me strange. Obviously, those who judge haven't walked in these shoes. Some of these pregnancies there was no sense of bonding, but like some others, during this last pregnancy there was an amazing bond between me and the soul to come, a connection to this life forming inside of me. There were dreams for this baby's future that will not be realized. There is an emptiness, the loss of not feeling her (yes her) which calls up a primal scream in me that can't be contained some days. It's been years of sometimes feeling her, getting a taste of her and then the disappointment and suppressed grief that has finally spilled out, demanding release.

I am grieving this life lost. I'm grieving this child that I will not hold, this child I felt growing in my body, who woke me in the middle of the night craving strange foods, stirring beautiful dreams. I saw her in my dreams running through orange groves, bouncing, giggling and so free-spirited. This child of mine is not to be. Right now, I am grieving that loss and the hopeless feeling of the loss of Motherhood.

I'm not comfortable writing this publicly, but maybe this will give others the insight to be more compassionate if G-d forbid they know someone who has gone through this or worse, if they personally experience this.